I’ve never really bought into religion.
My entire upbringing was littered with Christian activities. Church was mandatory every Sunday, prayers were said before every dinner and my god fearing grandmother would sit my sisters and I down as often as she could for Bible studies. Did I grow up in the most ultra conservative, by-the-Bible household in the world? No, it would be a disservice to my parents to pretend otherwise. They weren’t strict, but it was mandatory to engage with religion at home.
When I read testimonials from atheists and agnostics online, they all seem to have this breaking moment where they realized God wasn’t real, whether it was some sort of tragedy in life that made them feel like their prayers were unanswered or they faced some sort of abuse or discrimination from their religious institution that pushed them away. I never really had that moment.
I never believed in Santa Klaus as a kid. Every Christmas I would get gifts “from Santa” and I just thought it was mutually understood that this was just a fun, playful event between parents and their children. Of course Santa isn’t real, he’s just a metaphor.
For the early years of my life that’s how I also saw God, as a metaphor, and I assumed that’s how the rest of the world looked at it too. It felt shocking to kid me that everyone fully believed in all the events in the Bible or that God was a real concept out there looking over everyone and everything all at once. I couldn’t explain why, but I just didn’t get it. It never felt comfortable to me. That’s why I don’t identify as being an “ex-Christian” like many others, because well, there was never a time in my life I truly felt like one.
I would sit down with my grandma during her frequent (whew and I do mean frequent) Bible lessons and ask questions.
“How did Jonah survive being swallowed by a fish?”
“If God exists, why is there still war and sadness, can’t he just take it away?”
“Why doesn’t God just get rid of Satan if he’s that bad?”
I’m sure my grandma answered in ways that made sense to her and her faith at the time, but no answer truly satisfied me and my curiosity. Conferring with my sisters didn’t seem to help either, while neither showed much interest in church or Bible study like I did, they still seemed to have an air of spirituality that I just couldn’t find within myself no matter how hard I tried.
I would spend nights laying in my bed just closing my eyes and thinking about God, Jesus, Christianity and more, trying to feel… something. I don’t know what I was looking for.
What is “spirituality” in the first place?
I truly don’t know, when I was grappling with my own non-existent relationship with God, I would see people say they “weren’t religious but spiritual”. I thought some type of agnostic label would be a good middle ground for me but that truly didn’t work either. I had no real interest in other religions as well.
I think it was around 12 or 13 years old where I decided to just identify with being an atheist. In the same way that many feel like religion is healing for them, not subscribing to a higher power made me feel freer and more powerful than any attempt to be spiritual. I wasn't burdened with the fear that my choice could lead me to eternal damnation. I didn’t have to follow strict codes from a book written literally thousands of years ago. I was my own power.
I think the last time I actually prayed for real was when I drank half a bottle of whisky in a short, oh so dangerous span of thirty minutes (listen, college Engwari did not make good decisions). If there is a God, I know she had to have heard me from the bathroom floor that night.
Being non-religious and black can feel a bit lonely. With one parent from Cameroon and another from Grenada, I don’t think Christianity was ever optional. Church and Christian activities play such a huge part of both cultures and black culture as a whole. Both African American and black diasporas use the church as a sanctuary, a place to organize, to grow a community and more. For a lot of black non-believers, leaving behind your faith can leave a bigger loss outside of just the religious aspects.
According to the Pew Center of Research, Black Americans have the lowest rate of religious non-believers by race at just only two percent of the total Black population.
Well shit, that really makes us a minority doesn’t it?
Maybe black atheists don’t discuss more because we have more important matters to tend to?
As I encroach closer to my 30s, I’ve been reflecting hard on my upbringing a lot lately. I’ve spent most of my life being a bit of an outsider in some way. Whether it’s due to my interests, my race, my ethnicity, my weight and more I’ve grown used to it and I imagine it isn’t that different for many black people out there. Feeling accepted as an atheist can seem like such a trivial issue in comparison when we’re dealing with hard systemic injustices.
I can understand why moving through America without believing in God can be uncomfortable though. This country is quite religious compared to most of the Western world. I don’t think many Americans realize how deep the Christian indoctrination can get here, especially when you’re surrounded by it. But I imagine that uncomfortableness is multiplied tenfold by practitioners of other religions, especially those that are racialized in America, like Islam or Buddhism.
Basically, what exactly am I crying about? Atheists will live.
Maybe I could’ve done better at engaging in religion when I was younger. No more rolling my eyes during dinner prayer or falling asleep in church (in my defense, service could go all the way up three hours, it was a lot!). I think a lot of those actions were a natural teenage rebellion that everyone goes through more than a purposeful attempt to disrespect my family’s faith.
There isn’t much “representation” of atheists in the media. If it’s a Christian biased production we’re treated like the devil manifested itself and more secular works tend to portray atheists as overly cynical in life’s outlook.
In my teenage years I did peruse the atheism blogs on Tumblr but they were horrific. A community of mostly white people with smarmy, pretentious and borderline racist takes, I didn’t stay long on that side of the internet. I had no interest in debating the merits of religion or looking down on those who practiced, I just didn’t want to partake.
So I was left at a crossroads.
It seemed ironic, a person looking for community amongst those who rejected it.
I guess as I grew older my atheism was put on the backburner. I mean, well, there isn’t much to think about when you don’t actively do anything.
I sometimes ponder where my life would be if I had embraced religion. Would God have given me a better job? Better grades in school? Helped me grieve my passed loved ones better? Quiet the gnawing dissatisfaction of life that adulthood brings on to you?
It’s as I’m writing this that I realize I only thought about God as a tool to help me. One of the basic rules about Christianity and praying I won’t forget is that you aren’t supposed to treat him like a piggy bank or a genie that grants you all your wishes.
Yea, I don’t think I’m mature enough for that type of relationship.
Christmas is still my favorite holiday and you will have to drag “Never Would Have Made It” by Marvin Sapp out of my cold dead hands, but I don’t think I’ll ever have a real relationship with religion.
I think I’m finally comfortable with that.
Maybe reading this first thing in the morning was a mistake, because I am tearing up. This is a beautiful piece, Engwari. I had a similar yearning for community without the background in religion (my parents both came from agnostic/atheist households) and as a younger man almost joined a church out of sheer want of connection. I really did love this, and you’re very right about the atheist blogs.
“you aren’t supposed to treat him like a piggy bank or a genie that grants you all your wishes.” Damn! did we all learn that? what the hell else would an all knowing all powerful being be good for?